Un-Grateful Wednesday

With Thankful Thursday just around the corner, I thought I needed to come clean with you about my attitude this week. It started with a few sleepless nights and wondering what was going on. After finishing round one of antibiotics for an ear infection Saturday, he was feverish when we picked him up from the nursery on Sunday. Sunday night = no sleep. Monday morning = Dr.'s appointment and he still has that dang ear infection. So we're on stronger antibiotics, motrin every six hours, and trying out Claritin just to see if all this congestion is from allergies. Its been night after night of sleepless night- trying to swaddle, trying to rock, giving a bottle, bringing him to our bed, sleeping in the carseat, me sleeping on the couch, elevating the crib mattress. So far its been a combination of our endless rocking/cuddling/patting plus a few dreaded saline drops and motrin for maybe two hours of sleep at a time.

And I am tired. In the middle of the night, I feel so discouraged and defeated. Charlie didn't even start sleeping through the night until about six months... then shortly after (I mean days after) came teething, and now two ear infections in a row. So I am very tired. And, yesterday, I broke my toe, stubbing it on a chair that has been there for months. My contacts are all old and I forgot to call in for more until it was too late... so my eyes are twitching and red from wearing old ones so long and now I'm wearing my glasses until the new ones come in. I shrunk a new shirt I bought this weekend in the dryer. The dishes are stacking up, the Kleenex attack is back, and it feels like we will never get this deck finished.

And then a good friend brought my attention to this.

And while talking with an old friend yesterday, I found out her dad has liver cancer.

So I woke up this morning and got on my knees before God. And when I got up and looked at my precious boy with snot running down his face, I realized how small my issues are. So today I'm praying for and focusing on someone other than myself. And I'm hoping I will someday learn to count my blessings and truly be thankful... in every circumstance.

Update and Mommy Guilt

Just wanted to let all of you who gave me some great advice and ideas on this earlier post, that I am THAT mom, and I was successful in my attempt to protect Charlie from zoning out on the TV for an hour three times a week. On my next visit to the gym, I told the woman as I handed Charlie to her that I would really prefer that he not watch TV and that I brought some toys and a lovey to keep him entertained and comforted if needed. She looked at me and said "Someone's been letting him watch TV here?" as if she was in charge and that should NOT be happening with the babies. I told her that he had been watching TV several times when I had come to pick him up and that I just felt he was too young. She assured me that he would not be watching TV anymore... and sure enough, the next time I dropped him off, they remembered him and that he would not be watching TV. They asked if I brought his toys again and it was so great feeling like they actually knew him and recognized us both and remembered his name, so ahhhh (sigh of relief) things are better in that department.

Even though its better, and I'm able to work out for an hour, three times a week, I still can't shake it. You know what I'm talking about if you're a mother. I had heard of it before having children and seen the katrillion Oprah shows of Mom makeovers for women who had completely let themselves go out of the Mommy Guilt. They had let their children's needs run their lives and run over their own simple personal needs and were run down, exhausted, and spent. Watching them, I felt that I would never be that way, because unfortunately and admittedly, I am a selfish person. This is a fact that I am not proud to admit but I figured it would save me from the grips of Mommy Guilt.

But was I ever wrong. It creeps up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when I drop him off at the gym Kids Klub about 30 minutes before his usual nap, knowing he may fuss and be sleepy and have to wait for me for an hour. I get in my workout class, and towards the end, I always think "maybe I should skip the abs part, or the cool-down, and go get Charlie early." It also creeps up on Sunday mornings, when again, I drop him off in the increasingly-crowded nursery where they often stick him in a swing and pop in the paci (once Sunday School starts, the older babies move to another class and there is a smaller teacher:baby ratio, but this is always the scenario when I first drop him off). And its there on Wednesday nights when I take him to the nursery at church yet again where he will stay up past his usual bedtime and usually have an all out scream-fest with the sweet nursery lady before falling asleep for maybe 30 minutes and then doing it all over again.

I have to remind myself: I need some time away from him. And its true, I know I do. It really does feel good to work out by myself. I have more energy and feel better about myself when I do it. And it feels good to attend Sunday School and church with my husband and sing with the praise team. And I think Charlie needs time away from me too. It's good for him to be cared by someone else every once in a while and for him to be around other kids, right? But then why is it so hard sometimes?

It's only for a grand total of about 6 and a half hours every week! Not even an entire day. Actually totalling it out like that does make me feel better. But anybody have any words of encouragement out there? How do you handle the Mommy Guilt? Does it get easier with the more kids you have? How do you push through it and remind yourself that its okay?

THAT Mom: Advice Needed

First of all, thank you for reading my last post and for the sweet comments. It's a little scary to put something out there that is personal and meaningful when I usually just talk about Charlie and random things, so thank you.

Now, for my mom question. I've been going to the gym about three days a week for a class in the mornings. Every time I have come to pick him, he is ready for his nap and they have put him in the swing where he is either a)asleep (which usually NEVER happens- I swear that boy is so alert that he will not sleep unless it is in HIS bed and dark and quiet) or b) swinging peacefully with eyes half open waiting for mommy to come take him home so he can sleep.

Well today, I went to pick him up and they had him in the swing as usual, but this time, the swing was turned around to face..... a TELEVISION!!!! Do you see where I'm going with this??? He was watching CARTOONS!!! My four and a half month old was watching cartoons. And they laughed, saying "oh he just loves cartoons, he's been watching them for the last HALF HOUR!!!!"
Let me explain to you something about my child. I have already mentioned how he will not fall asleep if there's anything going on around him. He loves moving, flashing lights and colors with sound. The most movement and body turning he has done has been to strategically turn himself to see the T.V., whether its the news, Oprah, or even C-Span if it was ever on in my house, I'm sure! But does he need to be watching it? Can he actually get into a television show at this age???

Here is a picture of him at one of our playdates using his friend sweet little Emily so that he can see the T.V. Do you see it? The blank stare? The mouth hanging open?

I KNOW that kids watch T.V. And don't get me wrong, I love watching T.V. And as a school psychologist, I do not believe that letting children under 2 watch an occasionally television show is going to cause ADHD. BUT Charlie is too young to get into the plot of a tv show. He has no idea what's happening, he's just staring blankly at all the lights and colors moving across the screen! And to let him mesmerize himself like that for 30 minutes??? I cringe.

So what do you think? Do I say nothing, and let them get through the hour of my workout however they can and not worry about it? Or do I make myself into that mom that makes a big deal and says I would prefer if my child did not watch the T.V. for the hour that I'm gone and that they may actually have to keep him entertained in a more creative, interactive way?

Ugh, I think I already am that mom. But please, let me know what you think.